Ah, my prize subscription runs out in 4 days! Waah! I had been hoping I'd find a way to renew it before it ran out. It sucketh being in debt and blacklisted by every bank and credit card company out there. At least I can console myself with the knowledge that my bad standing is due to good deeds!

When I look at how busy I've been, and how little use I made of the extra features that come with a subscription, I'm probably better off with a basic account for now. It sort of goes with not having a life or any prospects. Laugh, dammit! ... sorry, it's a bit too real to be a joke, but I have to tell it with a laugh or I might just scream.

I'll be honest (run screaming now if you don't like to hear me bitch and whine), the question I asked above is as much about my life as it is about my subscription. I'll spare you the transgender angst, 'cuz it's pretty much the same story you can find on any trans site. I'll just sum up and say that having a problem for which there is no real solution severely undermines one's capacity to deal with other problems in life, and often plays a big part in creating those problems. I don't have to worry about being suicidal anymore... my problem is that I want to live so bad I can't bear this twisted and compromised life that keeps getting in the way of it. Seriously, the last thing I want is to die! I haven't gotten to live yet!

Sadly, things really are not getting better. They continue to unravel about as fast as I can pull things together, and that just gets exhausting. I used to have major nervous breakdowns because of it, but I've gotten stronger and more stubborn. I am here today pretty much on sheer willpower. That's pretty impresive considering how much I despise being the person I appear to be on a day to day basis. I get by because I choose to see the good in life (even if I don't get to partake of any of it) and because I care about people even when they disappoint me or hurt me. It doesn't hurt that I am painfully conscious of the fact that I can not afford to break down. I'm pretty much on my own in the world. If I stumble, I won't be able to get back up on my own. If I stop swimming, I drown.

I know you can't do anything, so it's kind of selfish of me to post a journal like this. At the same time, I needed to say this. However little you know me, you probably know me better than anyone I've ever known in real life. Kind of pathetic. I know. That can't be helped though. I know most of you would tell me that life is worth holding on to no matter what happens. I agree. I would not be here if I thought otherwise for more than a moment. I wish there was someone out there who had far more than they needed and thought I was worth investing in. I've never asked for a free ride but I would like to be able to work on something from the heart, to create with what life I have, rather than waste most of my miserable existence scrapping together barely enough money to survive day to day. If I was living for myself, I would not complain about the cost of living or the demands of success, but honestly, I have no idea what I am doing here. On the other hand, if spiritual growth is the purpose of physical existence, than I am the most fortunate person I have ever known.